Shinobi no Youkai
by Romm
Summary: Chapter 1 Oneshot: Mizu no Youkai, 2 Mizu Omake, 3 Redneck Ninja humor
1. Mizu no Youkai

A faint glow of red gold glinted against a blue-black abyss, a solitary star in an enternity of empty space. Gouting flames of mixed red and blue chakra wreathed around Naruto's form as he stood in the stygian darkness. A pair of gigantic luminescent yellowish eyes watched cruelly as he cradled a blood soaked bundle to his chest. Tears ran down his face as he reluctantly looked up to his watcher, "You'll make us go back… back to the beginning, maybe, even before the beginning, right?"

"That's right little mortal," the echoing voice of the owner of the eyes responded. "All you have to do is give up everything you've gained… and all that you have lost." Naruto shuddered at the odd smoothness of the echoing voice.

Deep in the bowels of Naruto's mind, through twisting water-logged corridors and past a flimsy paper seal the fox spirit Kyuubi no Kitsune paced restlessly. It pawed at the sealed gate nervously, not so much in an effort to get out, more to get attention. "_Don't do it kit,_" it hissed past the seal into the back of Naruto's brain, "_Even demons know better than to make this deal._" Chakra surged in the before the sealed gate, and a translucent image of Naruto appeared before the agitated fox.

"_There's nothing left, Kyuubi… No Konoha, no Sound, the other villages don't even have enough population to support themselves, all of the civilians dead. This… this is the best way, isn't it?_"

"_Fuck no! Look, ok, so the age of Man and Ninja is over, get over it, the Earth will recover and all that happy circle of life shit… isn't that what you're supposed to be about? It can't be as bad as it seems, just let it the fuck alone!_"

"_Kyu…_" Naruto's voice cracked, "_Kyuubi, not even demons can live in the Valley of the End… The Wasteland is spreading as we speak… there is nothing left to lose. Like it or not… it is what will be done._" With that final thought the image of Naruto standing slumped before the gate shimmered out into nothingness, dispersed in the chakra of his mind. The kitsune howled and clawed violently at the gate.

"_FOOLISH BRAT! I WON'T LET YOU BRING THE END OF US! I'LL FIX THIS YOU HEAR! I'LL FIX THIS!_"

Naruto stood straight and tall before the darkness, clutching his bundle to his chest. Jaw tightening he looked up at the eyes before him, "I'm ready."

"Good for you, do we have a deal then?"

Naruto closed his eyes and hissed in a breath, the Kyuubi had gone oddly silent in the back of his mind, opening his eyes he gave a weak smile upwards. "Yes."

"And the terms?"

Naruto nodded, the drapes on his hat brushing softly along his shoulders. "They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, cannot the reverse be so as well? The use of a neutral… seed, is acceptable."

A soft rumble of ill humored laughter echoed in a strangely muffled way within the gigantic space. "Prepare yourself then, puny Hokage, and look into my eyes."

Uzumaki Naruto, Rokudaime, Sixth Hokage of the Fire hidden in the Leaf, last of the Konoha-nin, planted his feet and looked upwards into now incandescent eyes. The harsh glare of light highlighted the few scars dimpling the surface of his skin, and seemed to glimmer, caught deep in his whisker marks. As the light grew his robes rustled, down slid a tightly compressed package that clanked faintly as it hit the Hokage's foot and broke open, spilling long tattered ribbons of cloth onto the unseen ground. The metal plates affixed to the clothes shone dully, highlighting the various symbols etched onto, and scratched violently across them.

"_I'll be fixing this brat, you'll see… I'll make everything… better._"

* * *

Blinking he opened his eyes, staring upward at the cloudy grey sky as mist slowly floated down coating his skin. "What the hell..?"

"You ok?" questioned a distant gravelly voice.

"What happened?"

"You got hit by about five different lightning bolts. You pissed off any Cloud-nin that I should know about?"

Momochi Zabuza carefully sat up and surveyed his surroundings with a rather severe case of disorientation. No bodies lay next to him, no bridge much less river was near, and his old comrade from the Mist was looking at him rather strangely. "No… no Cloud-nin…"

"Well you must have pissed off someone, today wasn't supposed to even have any storms." His old friend calmly tilted his head back to observe the quickly darkening sky.

Zabuza carefully got his feet underneath him and straightened, reflexively adjusting his sword across his back. Absently he caressed the hilt of his Kubikiri Houcho where it emerged from behind his shoulder blades, silently taking reassurance in its familiar presence. "I'm in Mist…" he muttered softly in a puzzled tone, "And no one is trying to kill me?"

Kisame laughed and slapped his sparring partner and fellow Swordsman on the shoulder, "No more than usual after that exam! Although with all that lightning, who knows, eh?"

"Hey Kisame…"

"Yup?"

"Ever get a bad feeling?"

"Like what? Someone's got a knife to my back or someone's plotting my doom sort of thing? Come on, need to get to the Mizukage's office 'fore all the good missions are gone."

"… The doom one…"

"Ehhh… nah, can't say I have. Why?"

"I think I just did."

"Heh, bad karma, right?"

"Something like that…"

* * *

AN: Must… resist… urge to cackle… Anyway. I don't really have a plot for this, aside from a vague 'what-if' scenario, and I usually suck at doing anything more than one shots. So, what-cha think? Evil, yes? And if you're wondering, 'Why Zabuza?' Well, for one, why not? But plot wise it's because he's one of the few neutral characters… And hey, Naruto kind of had to settle for whatever he could get. As a plus, "Zabuza; savior of the world" makes me think of really funny things, or at least expressions.

If I think of anymore chapters to this (gods I hope not, I have enough unfinished stuff lying around), I'll make sure to do chapter titles and move chapter order around. Otherwise this is all going to be random.

I don't mind if people take my plot-bunnies and run with them, just let me know huh? I like to see what people think I've written, even when it isn't what I've written at all.

Oh, and props to Narutofandotcom, as I use them for quick fact checking even if I disagree with some of their back-story theories, their stash of manga isn't so bad either. grins


	2. Mizu Omake

Sort of random note/train of thought omake;

A Series of (Unfortunate, but Amusing) Conversations

* * *

"Now, next on the agenda is the treaty negotiation with Leaf. Any questions or comments?"

"I'd like to volunteer Mizukage-sama."

"What?"

"I'd like to volunteer, is there something wrong with that?"

"Oh, er, no; yet, diplomacy isn't exactly… your strong suite, Zabuza… Ah… never mind."

* * *

Zabuza glared blankly ahead as he wandered through Konoha, if they didn't want his help for negotiations that's fine, he'd just stretch his legs and sulk in peace and quiet. Well, ok, not sulk, frown maybe, no self respecting shinobi would sulk in plain view. No self respecting shinobi did much of anything in plain view.

When with a loud SMACK a blurry orange object ran into his legs. Already ticked off Zabuza quickly snatched up the culprit by the back of his shirt and hauled him up to eye level, "What the hell was that you little.. YOU!"

Wide blue eyes stared at him blankly, "Um, me? But I haven't done anything! … yet." Suddenly the boy gave a slight twitch and his eyes turned a purple-ish color, signaling to those who knew that the body usually inhabited by Uzumaki Naruto was now piloted by the one and only Kyuubi no Kitsune, "Would you like to say that a little bit louder and try and attract some more attention you idiot!"

* * *

"But I believe that Zabuza has a contact in Konoha. Perhaps his services would be of assistance."

'_that's it… that bastard is dead next time I get him alone, I'm gonna rip him up so bad he'll have to use a …'_

"Zabuza? Is this… statement true?"

'_oh, fuck…'_ "True in that I have a minor contact, but I doubt that the contact would be of any…"

"Check, the loss of a minor contact is insignificant in the face of the gains possible."

'_ooooohhhh sshhhhhiiiii…'_

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me that you were starting up a spy network? You'd never seemed interested much in it before..?"

"Because I didn't, and I'm not."

"But you told the Mizu…"

"I told him the very literal truth."

"So a minor contact is…?"

"Parse out the phrase yourself; you might as well use the brain behind that shark-face of yours."

"Er, contact; someone you have been in contact with verbal or physical, and minor; small, insignificant…"

"Think legal."

"Someone under the age of 15? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm actually being blackmailed by a 5 year old."

"…"

"Really."

"Why..?"

"Incriminating photos."

"Of wh… never mind, I don't think I want to know… A five year old?"

AN: Irritatingly short, and possibly never used, but what the hell.


	3. Redneck Ninja

**AN**: This is a framed story, with an outer shell of the ninja list with gooey plot-like mini story goodness on the inside. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have writing it.

* * *

Sitting on a log by the campfire Sakura stared off into the darkness, keeping watch as her companions slept. They needed to reach Gai-sensei's chunnin team in time to provide them with backup in the recovery of the kidnapped Kazekage. Hearing nothing Sakura sighed and began to turn to her left, when she was startled by the presence of Naruto's face less than a fingers' breadth away from her own face. "Gah!" Whipping around she smacked at Naruto, who only slightly managed to dodge the blow and catch the hit on his shoulder, rather than his face that she was aiming for. "Damn it Naruto! What the hell?"

Naruto gave his closed-eyed fox grin as he backed off and rubbed his shoulder, "Kinda like old times, eh, eh?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You keep hitting me… You're so mean to me, Sakura-chan," he gave Sakura a pout at this, which despite being incredibly cute Sakura resisted with aplomb. Giving up Naruto frowned at the shoulder which he was still rubbing. "Hit a lot harder though."

"Of course you idiot, I've been training with Tsunade-sensei, just like you have with Jiraya-sama," Sakura frowned as she surveyed the circle of light around the camp with her eyes and chakra sense.

"Yeah! Yeah! I've learned lots of cool stuff! You'd learn stuff too, neh Sakura?"

Sakura gave her old teammate a dubious look, privately speculating on what exactly Naruto could possibly learn from the disreputable sennin Jiraya. "Naruto, you really learned something from Jiraya-sama?" Naruto nodded enthusiastically at Sakura and began to open his mouth but was halted when she raised her hand, preventing a flood of happy babbling about jutsu's. "I meant…" Sakura trailed off slightly thinking about what she wanted to ask, "I meant, like, about life. Sort of, from Tsunade-sama I learned about getting what I wanted and valuing life, because it's so easy to loose those you care for. It's not just the jutsu's, you know? In the same way we learned about teamwork from Kakashi-sensei."

Naruto frowned and rubbed his chin thoughtfully he glanced over at the darkened forms of their companions, and his sleeping previous sensei. He moved over slightly and folded his legs beneath him, preparing for a serious discussion with his old friend. "I guess… I guess I learned about… life, right? Like, how… you need to live, and how… You gotta be happy right? And keep your precious people happy, any way you can, y'know? Even if it's not the way they expect, neh?"

Sakura blinked rather blankly at him. "Naruto… those are all questions. Are you asking me or telling me?"

Naruto sighed and rubbed the back of his head in a slightly embarrassed fashion. "It's kinda deep y'know; I don't do deep very well."

"Try."

"Alright. Uh, well, what do you think it'd be like if Ero-Sennin was as sober as he can be sometimes, all the time?" Naruto glanced at his pink haired companion who stared back at him, her doubtful expression implying that as far as she was concerned he was never serious and sober. "He's actually got a really good spy network y'know, 'cause no one notices him, he's just a perving old man, right? But he sends a lot of scrolls home, but everyone thinks that they're just drafts for Icha Icha. Actually it's info for Tsunade-baba. See, she is smart right, but she stinks at spying, and now that she's Hokage she can't move around at all, so Ero-sannin does it for her."

Sakura gaped at Naruto, "He's a spy! Wait, what the hell does this have to do with what I asked; are you a spy too?"

Naruto grinned and leaned back on his hands, "Nah, I do ok, but I'm too honest about things to be a good spy. What I meant was, Ero-sannin is doing all of this good stuff, but… it's not gonna make Tsunade-baba happy." Naruto frowned slightly and turned his head up to stare contemplatively at the slivers of night sky visible through the trees. "We're really lucky y'know. All… most of our precious people are alive, but Ero-sannin and Baa-chan, all the people they have left are each other. When Hokage-jiisan died…" Naruto choked up slightly, his voice hitching as he remembered the Third. Sakura leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees to support her head as she carefully listened to her teammate. "When Hokage-jiisan died, he was one of the last links to a better time, right? The only other one of 'em left is Oro-teme. And that's bad vibes there. So for Baa-chan, Ero-sannin is always the raging hentai that she remembers from her time as Jiisan's genin. Not to say he doesn't enjoy it, but it's not all he is, yah?"

Sakura frowned and covered her mouth with her hands as she contemplated this new selection of facts. Naruto tilted his head over curiously, waiting for her to respond. "So," she began slowly, raising her chin from her hands, "You've learned to… hide yourself? To play the clown? Just to make people happy?"

Naruto shifted slightly, the grass beneath him ruslting slightly, "It's not really hiding y'know; more like… emphasizing something, if we were always as serious as we are right now… it'd be… really depressing y'know? So I try to lighten up the things that I can. I don't need to do the same things Ero-sannin does, 'cause we've got stuff to look forward to, right? So I look for things to laugh about, and I find 'em, they're all over the place!"

"Like what?" Sakura asked.

"Well, you know that Ero-Sannin writes books, right?"

Sakura immediately looked suspicious, "Yes, he wrote Icha Icha… Naruto…" She trailed off dangerously, "If you've started writing porn too…" She lifted up her right fist, now crackling with chakra.

Naruto gave her one of his trade mark fox grins, "Naaaah. I'm not a pervert, but I did start kinda writing a memoir. A funny memoir. With sayings to live by."

Sakura carefully released her chakra-laden fist to look at him dubiously, "Sayings to live by?"

Naruto laughed and kicked him self to his feet to go rummage in his pack for something. "Well not _exactly_ things to live by… but more like the don't's of ninjas… Ever hear some of those red neck jokes that were so popular a few months back?"

Sakura blinked and raised her eyebrow as Naruto gave a happy exclamation as he carefully extracted a scroll from his pack. "I seem to remember some of a list posted to one of the cabinets in the hospital… But Naruto, a memoir? With a list? How…?"

Naruto turned to her and actually skipped across the brushed out area surrounding the fire pit. "Behold," he proclaimed ostentatiously as he seated himself with an audible thump next to her, "You Might Be A Redneck Ninja If… Selected memoirs by Uzumaki Naruto." He offered her the scroll with a grin.

Hesitantly she accepted the thick scroll, and carefully opened it to the first selection. Glancing nervously at her friend she readied herself, squinted down at the paper, and began to read.

* * *

You Might Be a Redneck Ninja If…

A Selection of observations and memoirs by Uzumaki Naruto

**1. You might be a redneck ninja if; you consider cat herding a fast-paced and worthwhile career.**

It's odd the binds that hold together generations of nins within a village. For all the leaf nins who have graduated and performed D-class missions within the past 10 years, possible the strangest method of bonding is associated with the most infamous of missions, yes, yes, I'm speaking of the beloved Tora-chan. That poor mangy tabby, who's persistent escape attempts were forever foiled by the dedicated and hardworking legions of Leaf genin. Some remember Tora-chan with fondness, certainly not myself as I came away with scars from that mangy bow wearing fur ball. Still, it's something that can generate a conversation when there is absolutely nothing to talk about. It fills those uncomfortable silences.

Forced into conversation with the guys who's asses you handed to them on a platter in the last Chunnin exam? Did you have to catch that stupid cat too? Hell yes! Instant topic starter. Don't knock the small stuff, it does loads of good to help bond with, or at least coexist peacefully with others.

* * *

_That's not a very nice thing to say about Tora-chan, she was a perfectly nice cat, it's your own fault she scratched you._

_Funny, that's not what Neji and Kiba said, they got shredded too._

_Is it wise to mention them in this? Aren't they going to be angry?_

_Can you see Neji getting that stick out of his ass long enough to read comedy? And can you see Kiba reading at all?_

_You… have a point._

_

* * *

_  
**2. You're so ugly you have to use "Sexy no Jutsu" to be seen in public without people running away screaming.**

People keep knocking my first original jutsu, but really it served it's purpose well enough to allow me to defeat at least two ninja's as a gennin that otherwise would have been completely out of my range. Ninja keep forgetting that being a ninja means gaining every possible advantage you possibly can. As the Number One Most Surprising Ninja of Konoha I can tell you that means striking while your opponent is gaping at you for using such a stupid technique, or loosing copious amounts of via a perverted nose bleed, then that is a completely valid way of winning a battle.

* * *

_It's still the number one most perverted jutsu of Konoha as well._

_Yeah but it worked._

_On who?_

_Sandaime-jiisan and Ebsui, and sort of half-way on Iruka-sensei if you remember._

…_. That is so wrong._

_

* * *

_  
**3. You have seriously considered "Cheap Sake no Jutsu" as a possible addition to your party-style nin-jutsu repertoire.**

One of my sensei's once sat me down to give me a serious talk before a training journey. I remember that he placed his hands on my shoulders and with a very serious expression on his face proceeded to tell me that there were three shinobi sins; wine, women, and money that should be avoided at all costs. On the trip he then proceeded to; get so drunk and drugged that he couldn't use his chakra at all for the first half of a major battle, be so distracted by a woman under genjutsu that he left me alone to very nearly be kidnapped by sleep deprived missing nins, and he stole all of my money to pay for bribes and sake while 'information gathering'.

It kind of makes you wonder doesn't it? After looking back on it, I asked him if he was actually a ninja. He told me that he could still kick my ass, so I suppose that he counts.

* * *

_He stole your money?_

_Yeah, I won a whole bunch of money using a coin I found on the ground, he swiped it to pay for information about Tsunade-baba._

_Sleep deprived missing nins?_

_You've never seen Uchiha Itachi have you? He looks identical to Sasuke, except for these gigantic bags under his eyes. It looks like he either needs a serious face lift or about 2 weeks of sleep. Can't you just picture him clutching a chibi Kyuubi plushy and wearing black footy pajama's with little red clouds all over?_

_Naruto! Heh…_

_

* * *

_  
**4. Your styling gel comes in vats bearing the label "Grade D rejected glue" from the knackers' yard.**

**5. You refer to jumping in a pond and then sticking your finger in a light socket as your "styling routine".**

I understand that most shinobi realize that their hairstyles have to be worn into the field, and therefore stable enough to endure battles, bugs, and random dirt that can be expected to be collected while on missions. I lived in serious fear for my eyes, my teammates hair was that sharp… My fellow genin, I will admit, looked rather like a cockatoo. I'm serious, you're laughing I know… but that's what he looked like, there isn't any valid reasons to have 3 inch spikes sticking upwards out of the back of your head. Perhaps he never noticed… he never seemed to be a morning person, possibly he gelled his hair at night and never noticed what it actually looked like in the morning.

And then there was my sensei… Late, every day. EVERY DAY! And you know what he was doing? I'll bet he was sitting in his apartment surrounded be hair care products, giving his all to have hair that literally defied gravity. No spikes, just every individual strand, straight up.

_

* * *

Sasuke did not look like a cockatoo!_

_Yes he did! He totally did! What else has hair like that? _

_Whatever. You know Kakashi-sensei is going to kill you right?_

_I don't think he takes anything seriously enough to care._

_

* * *

_  
**6. After meeting your fifth high-ranking foreign ninja you jumped up and down screaming happily that you got "Bingo".**

Why do we call them bingo books? And why does everyone have them? Is there this exclusive publisher that does mass printings for Hidden Villages? Seriously, ran into my first missing nin, and he knew exactly who my sensei was, what some of his main jutsu's were and everything. Think it's the same publisher who does Icha Icha?

I'd like to have exclusive rights to the literary content in entries referring to me in enemy bingo books. My entry would say, "Enjoys long peaceful walks on the beach, eating ramen with his friends, and Rasengan'ing the ass of anyone who gets in his way. Side interests include exposing perverts and creating unexpected jutsu's. Future Rokudaime Hokage of the Leaf."

_

* * *

_

_Oh yes, Zabuza did say something like that didn't he?_

_Yeah, right after attempting to chop our heads off._

_Long walks on the beach?_

_Jiraya actually made me help him look through personal ads, it's weird, it's like every single person in the world likes long walks on the beach._

_

* * *

_  
**7. You can't afford Ninja-mart camouflage print so you buy cow print 'cause it looks just as cool.  
**

Thankfully the ninja who is to blame for this entry, and the next, is dead. That means that at least I've put off the serious ass-kicking in store for me until I go to the otherworld myself. I'm not sure if he was color blind or something… but camo spots are brown and green mottled, not brown spots on white. Take note, apparently the higher your skill the more outrageous your outfit can be. Now now, let's not point any fingers at the 'gentleman' in the back with the purple ass-bow. cough Orochimaru cough.

_

* * *

_

_If this gets published in Sound you're a dead nin. I'll wear red to your funeral._

_Gee, thanks Sakura-chan, your confidence fills me with gratitude. Hey, all of the Sound lieutenants were wearing it too, think Sasuke has to wear it too?_

…

* * *

**8. You wear suspenders to hold up your super huge baggy ninja elite pants.**

It's truly sad to be more afraid of a fellow ninja's wardrobe malfunction than their attacks. Those suspenders could have been cut at any time… then Leaf would have to sue Mist for the therapy to repair the broken minds of 3 genin. It's rather similar to the fashion trend of wearing mesh shirts. For guys, it's ok, but it's not really a shirt is it? So when women wear it… woah.

_

* * *

Is the rest of this ranting about Zabuza's clothes?_

_Nah, well, at least maybe this next one. Betcha Haku was the one who had to dress Zabuza in the morning._

* * *

**9. You think used ace bandages are a style statement.** Bandages I've noticed have also become a fashion trend. Bandages in place of a mask; that I can slightly understand but an entire dress made out of them? Or better still so completely wrapped so you resemble a mummy. I keep waiting to hear about a battle that ended in about five seconds when the opponent grabbed the end of the bandages and yanked, spinning the poor nin silly like a top. 

Aren't they warm? Do they breathe at all? I'll admit, it's easy to repair if you get a wound, just bandage right over it and no one will know the difference. Isn't it offset by the need to take an hour just to get wrapped up?

I think I'll file this under, please, please, keep your fighting outfit sane. Skimpy is fine, but sane please.

* * *

_Oh dear, poor Kurenai-sensei is going to get letters again isn't she?_

_What?_

_Some passing noble spotted her and started a letter campaign to force ninja's to wear 'appropriate' clothing when in populated areas. It didn't get off the ground very far, although she keeps randomly getting letters asking for pictures of her inappropriate clothing._

_That… is hilarious, yet strangely cruel._

_

* * *

_

AN: After reaching 6 pages in one night… I've decided to go to sleep and finish off the rest of the redneck lines in a second chapter. And I'd pay good money to an artist who draws Itachi in footy pajamas.

If anyone has any other redneck ninja lines I'd be glad to hear them, just email me or leave them in the review box. I ended up writing all of these myself, making sure that they are things that are somehow brought up to Naruto's view, and therefore can reasonably be construed as something he'd write. There is actually more to this than will ever be published, given the FFN restrictions on lists I wanted to make sure that every line had a corresponding character refrence and advice to go along with it.


End file.
